Yes, Korea is my country. I was born here, grew up here and lived here for about 27 years until I left for Paris, then New York. I still have Korean citizenship and even have driving license since 92. But I can't get rid of this fear, the fear that I have to learn every single thing to live a real life here. I still don't feel this is a home. I rather feel this is a foreign country that I happen to live and I have to learn all about it.
I've been in NY for 12 years, and before NY I was in Paris about an year. So, I left Korea 13 years ago. My knowledge or the way of living a real life here froze 13 years ago. And even when I was here, the life I had was a semi-real, meaning I was mostly a kid or a student who didn't need to know everything about a real life. Plus, Korea is such a fast forwarding country, so if you were not here more than 2-3 years, everything's changed already.
In the meantime, my life in NY was much more a real one. I was there all by myself and had to get all the necessaries by myself. I had my first job in NY and the last employed job there as well. I know how to ride a subway there, how to and where to get a new cell phone and where to go to get a place to live. Plus, America is more slowly changing than Korea. -It just means it's already developed as much, so the changes are much slower than the countries like Korea.-
Here in Korea, I totally feel like an alien who's just arrived here. Thankfully I can speak Korean -even though I already forgot so many "intelligent words"-. I don't even know how to ride subway -believe or not, I haven't done it for 13 years-. As soon as I got here, I tried to get a cell phone, but it was one overwhelming experience. There are so many plans and so many phones and plans with words and phrases I don't quite understand.
I am feeling a little bit of a identity crisis now. I am obviously not American, but I look absolutely Korean, I am legally Korean as well. But I am having difficulty to write in Korean, and even understanding Korean -seriously I couldn't understand more than 50% of of cell phone plans-. And I feel I am on vacation now, feeling NY is still my home. And I think for quite some time I will deny the fact that I left NY for good, remembering everyone saying "You can always come back!"
I was thinking the way not to fear a new life in Korea but to enjoy it. Be a foreigner. It may sound ridiculous when you know that I am Korean by the fact. But for now, this will be much easier and fun for me to get it through.
Discover and enjoy Korea like I am an alien.
Well, I guess I'd better be in authentic Korean café rather than Starbucks. But this was the only place I knew that I could use free Wi-Fi.
