Mon. 06/14/2010 - Random Thoughts

I stayed home for two days sleeping, watching TV, exercising, cleaning, playing with Aee and Oee, and enjoying my flowers.

Yesterday, I walked along the boardwalk next to my apartment. I've been living here for 2 years and this was only about 3rd time I went out there to take a walk. My place is right in front of Hudson River and the boardwalk has a great view to the west side of NYC. But I was not enjoying this at all until now. Part of the reason was that I was thinking I could do it any time, but mostly it was because I didn't really have that extra space in my mind to do it while I was working...

Actually, for long time, I didn't have that little space for anything else than work in my mind. Everything in my life was around work. I had to clean my apartment on Saturday and had to stay home and get rested on Sunday no matter what. So I could come back to clean place after work, and refresh myself for next week for work.

I didn't go out during weekdays, because I didn't want to be tired and be irritated at work. After work, I had to rush everything I did at home, even watching my favorite TV show, because I only had a couple of hours at home before bed.

When I left work, I thought I might get bored and would need to work as a freelance at least a couple of days a week. But I have been busier than ever looking around the city and enjoying the things I couldn't and I am so glad that I left work earlier than I planned. There are so many places to see and even 2 months doesn't seem to be enough, and if I only had 2 weeks as I plan, I would regret so much once I go back to Korea.

At the same time, I was thinking, experiencing NYC shouldn't be another work to me...I think it sort of was becoming another form of a job and I started to forget how great that I can have this time, not appreciating it...

I still love and am so impressed by everything I see from every corner of the city, and feel so bad that I was not at all fully enjoying this great city, but time to time, looking around so many places and doing so many things that I can only do here come to be as a project that I have to accomplish. Then I am not enjoying it, but doing it as a work...So, like today, I really planned to go to SoHo, but when I couldn't wake up in the morning, I had to let myself go...

I was afraid my friend Gabi would become like me when I had to leave her alone at work, because I knew how she was, how she was like me. The first week I was not there, and Gabi's first week all by herself there, I could totally sense that she already lost that space in her mind just by her emails and texts. I can understand her better than anybody, so I can't even advise her not to do that, because hearing this advise can be another pressure to her.

I feel so sorry and guilty for her that I left work early, thinking I was maybe too selfish about the decision. In a way, it could open to a new road to her, but still, it could have been less burden to her...So, I just really wish she can be a little relaxed and find her old self.

Anyway, good news to me is that it seems like I finally found my old, old self who was smiling a lot. I found myself smiling and laughing more than ever on my last week at work (after all the decision was made). People at work were also telling me that they never saw me smiling that much.

The first week I was out on the street, I was surprised by me talking to everyone I met on the street or at shops and restaurants and was also surprised that people were so nice and kind to me. But yesterday I realized that it was not the people who were not nice to me, but it was me who was not nice to them. I think I was always so tensed, rushed and maybe angry all the time and this showed on my face and attitude towards people.

Bijan (the grandpa owner of the antique store) was telling me he really liked that I smiled a lot and told me keep doing it. And I knew it had been so long to hear this comment...and the comment I used to hear so often. Also, this was why people were nice to me...and I was approaching people more easily, because I myself was cheerful.

Experiencing the city is great, but what is greater is that I am learning so much about a lot of things and hearing so many interesting stories I never knew from the people I talk to. From an old lady who told me about the historic houses in Brooklyn, to a vendor who told me how he lost millions of business by fake Tiffany lamps in flea market, to an antique store owner who taught me how to differentiate pieces from different eras, and to a nice guide who recommended me the best restaurant and menu at Met., this has been such a valuable and unforgettable pleasure. 

So, from tomorrow, I will be out on street again, and will keep trying to smile, will keep appreciating what I can afford and do now, and will not be intimidated and be brave to talk to new people with big smile on my face.